DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
