hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
