My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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