So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
