i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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