Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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