he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
