it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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