My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
