He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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