at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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