Pants 0. Shit 1.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
