You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
