Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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