Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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