No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
