Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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