I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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