It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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