So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
