i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
