I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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