just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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