You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
