You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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