there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
