yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
