I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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