Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
