If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
