I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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