Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
