I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
