Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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