OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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