No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
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He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
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Boobs speak an international language.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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