In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
