im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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