So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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