I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I want a musical about memes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize