my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You can't motorboat a personality
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize