So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
