I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
