You're my little dorito
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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