Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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