Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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