believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh god it's open bar.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
