I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
