when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
