Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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