im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
