I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
