I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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